A list is not necessary, there was only one crush that really mattered.
I remember the first words I said to you were, "So, is she your girlfriend or something?", you quipped back, "Why? You jealous?" I remember that yes, I was jealous, so very jealous.
I remember how confident you were. I remember that you dreamed of joining the Air Force, but your grades weren't good enough. I remember how you stood out, even in a crowd. I remember your laugh, how easily it came. I remember how tall you were, you towered over me and made me feel protected. I remember the way you played basketball, how you would turn to point to me after every basket you hit. I remember the time you tried growing your hair out, a blonde, curly mess. I remember the way your blue eyes were always smiling. I remember the way your first car, a Toyota Tercel, smelled of strawberries. I remember the name you picked out for French class, Remy. I remember the way you picked me up to kiss me. I remember painting your toenails blue. I remember when you called me from the school office to say hello because I was home sick. I remember all the poems I wrote about you in 10th grade English. I remember how much I wanted to tell you that I loved you, but I was never able to say the words. I remember how long you waited, patiently, for me to come around. I remember that you wrote in my year book, "I will always love you." I remember when I realized that it was a lie, that you were tired of waiting. I remember how much I cried. I remember how much I hurt.
I remember hearing for the first time that you were gone, for good. I remember listening to your friends talk about how much you had smiled, how much you had laughed, how much they had loved you. I remember wishing I could stand up and explain how much you had meant to me too. I remember the weight of knowing I would never be able to tell you.
This is me telling you now.